I was about 4 years old when
i remember taking my baby sister by the hand and saying "shhhh, if we hide under here he might not see us".... and
we would go under the coffee table and hide and wait until it was quiet and mom came out okay.
This went on often...
as dad would come home drunk and mom would question him and then they would fight...
It was a scarey time for me but
I had to take care of my sister. Mom would say "he'll be fine in the morning"... but I couldn't forget how scared
I was and the funny feeling in my stomach..
He was abusive when he drank and yet other times he was so sweet.. It was
scary because we never knew.. I learned to avoid him as the FIGHT or FLIGHT response grew in me... I went to hiding when I
was very young.
I took some closed fist hits, beatings with the back of carpet strips, and the notorious belt spankings.
All in all... the focus mainly was on Mom.
Mom's favorite saying to us was... "Shhhhhh you don't want to upset
When I got older I'd ask her…"why don't you leave Him? He is so mean to you"....
"Because I love Him honey"… she’d say and little did I know at that time my legacy was being laid
out before me...
In Short, because I had a SHORT childhood I grew cold; hurt, scared and the "Fight" response
came into play.
I was dating a guy through all of this who was popular and cute and who showered me with gifts, who
loved to go out and have fun and after 2 years of pushing him “off” I broke up with him.
Then the death
of my best friend who passed in a car accident in which I was to go along with that night set me on a lonely path and I withdrew
I called my old boyfriend. Fast forward 5 months I was getting married and in 4 months would give birth to my
It was during the pregnancy right after the marriage he came after me.. It got worse and worse.
He became a drug dealer later and made really bad and dangerous choices. He fought with everyone, made me stop writing, and
would abuse me in front of his family and his Mom was emotionally abusive toward me..
IT WAS A HORRIBLE REALITY I CHOSE
TO SHOVE DOWN AND DENY IT EXISTED.
My life became dark despite my wanting to do the "right" thing and be strong
for my baby. I took good care of her, she was beautiful and perfect and i would protect her from evil but later as she got
older it was harder to do.
To attempt to "get along" with him, I would party with him...
I hated it... Beatings now.. For making pancakes wrong, washing the car wrong, for someone looking at me..Buying things to
decorate our apartment... It became INSANE!
I refuse to list every thing as the devil doesn't need the attention...
but all through this, I felt the presence of God.
And fast forward, friends and family started asking ME... "Why
don't you leave him?"...
"Well, because I had his baby"... I would say.
I took two severe beatings..
One caused a miscarriage at 5 months of my baby boy and one gave me a concussion...and I thought I died.
I was hospitalized.
The last time in the hospital I begged them to keep me there and they did. For 1 week and I was
able to pray without oppression and hear God's voice on how to get a plan to get away.
I did. I left Chicago in 1973
and never went back.
Now I needed to deal with the PTSD that I didn't know about.
It was never easy... I struggled,
went back to school..first Cosmetology and High School. Later I attended Real Estate School.
I stumbled and stammered
at life. Struggled because now remember, Dad was Dad.. and it was as before...He still drank and picked on Mom and now my
It was Good, bad and sometimes real ugly but I kept on "trying" by my own will to "get it together!"
Made some bad choices, struggled with many issues like my father's suicide attempts, Mom's nervous breakdowns (2).. Raising
a child on very little money and trying to incorporate relationships in the madness...
Then one day ... The Lord sent
this beautiful lady into my life who invited me to go to church with her.
I did... a few times and at the age of 25
I gave my crazy missed up, dysfunctional past life to Jesus.
It was awesome... Yes, at small Brookstown Baptist Church
in Baton Rouge, La.
I began a relationship with Jesus and other believers.. and that is when i restarted journaling..
and this time it was prayer and Scripture..
That became the best part of everyday thereafter.
It was God who
helped me de program from the abuse and the PTSD over many years.
I struggled, I was not perfect and I would stumble
and still make bad decisions but My Lord Jesus was there and He was working In me..
I was later Baptized by immersion
and about a month later, baptized and Filled with the Holy Spirit.
Fast forward several years, God placed it on my heart
to come "home".. It seemed a very unlikely time but in obedience I did come home. I faced my Dad and for the first
time -I completely forgave him and no longer blamed him for Mom's death.. and other things.(Mom died from lung cancer)
He had a very abusive childhood and he probably was doing the best he knew at the time with us kids..but his alcoholism
was very REAL.
I faced the demons of the past, forgave Him, forgave my Daughters Dad and met a Caring strong man...
Who many know as Boston Jack.
We became friends instantly. He was sweet and helped me with things I could not do
around the house and we started spending time together.
I believe one of the first things I said to him was “
I am a Christian and I spend time with God and journal with Him every morning and I will allow nothing to get into that time.”
He understood and I got the "impression" he sort of liked that.
After dating more.. He asked me if we could
be exclusive... I talked to him about God and he said he was interested in including God into his life.
church together and I was still searching for THE Church like I attended in Fl. but truly that was hard as that was a bigger
city and a "mega" church. I was used to many programs and out sourcing groups that helped me as an abuse survivor.
Then we moved to the country and OHOH!
By this time he had exposed to me his love of motorcycles... mmm, I prayed
and quite honestly it was getting hard here and I was ready to give up and split up. BUT GOD said wait, then one more Church
That Sunday we attended on "HIS" bike..
CHURCH IN THE WIND.
PRAISE JESUS! He had
stirred us up!
One more service and I went forward to ask for prayer for Jack's salvation with one of the altar counselors,
Ms. Cricket and she prayed with me, we agreed in Jesus Name and the following service JACK RAISED HIS HAND FOR SALVATION.
I fell in Love with him more and loved this "CHURCH IN THE WIND"...
We were married May 20th, 2012 by Pastor
T... Terry Lobell. He is the Founder of IN THE WIND MINISTRIES and our Friend and we love him and his Wife,and his family
AND His Church Family… and Thank God for his heart to reach bikers and throw a ways…
My heart felt at peace
for Jack… but the devil would rear his ugly head…
During one particular study all alone in my room, this
overwhelming presence came over me and a voice spoke to my spirit as clear as day.
The voice said "Are you ready?"
and I actually looked UP and said " Yes Lord"...
That morning I researched and joined a Bible College on line..
We had Cousin Dave over and I remember walking out to the kitchen saying. "Well, I just enrolled in Bible College"...
The response was good…! Cousin Dave immediately purchased Bible explorer for me to use for study...
later i completed the deputizing course.
Praise Jesus and I will continue to study on for my Bachelors.
were some horrible things that I was a victim of which I don't feel the need to share ALL and there were some horrible things
I CHOSE to do.. BUT THANK GOD FOR HIS SON JESUS...
My plea to you is this... None of us are throw a ways in God's eyes..
He loves us so much. We could never ever be bad enough for Him not to love us.
But we should not deny Him. See, for
me, loving Him meant I needed to obey His Word… I needed to get so into it that I was learning the correct meanings
of Scripture and not "writing in” my own predigested ideas...
The Word of God is sharp and straight to the
point as a sword.. It will cause division and it will bring truth. There is NO grey area. Also, I have always loved WORDS!
Hence the journal-ing because that is how I learned to communicate because of so many years of being to shhhhhed…
I used to feel hate, sorrow and insecurity..
Now, I have purpose, conviction and direction. The path is straight,
it does not include my decisions without God's directions...and it is seasoned with Love.
I can truly say that I personally
understand this Scripture…>
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to
those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image
of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom
He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
Romans 8:28-30 (NKJV)
Lord" I am ready...